Dark Clouds

I woke with a heavy feeling still over me from the previous day. I felt tired, worn and beaten up and had just opened my eyes...I said little prayers I I wandered through the house asking God to lighten my heart and give me the compassion I needed to enter this day of home school and life. I do not know why but the lightening of heart never came to me.

Logan took his tests, on subject we have been working on for weeks and failed both, I am not angry or let down by him, I am weary from trying to figure out how do I reach him, how do I make this on his level of understanding and open his mind to these ideas. I called the NC Non-Public Education office to find if there are different guidelines or regulations for special needs children. Thanking God that there are. I am required to teach him language and math - which are still going to be rough, as he does not have reading comprehension, which comes into play with both subjects. I am hopeful with this new curriculum and that I can focus 2 days a week on math, 2 days a week on language and then leave one day for test or quiz. We will do spelling and reading everyday.

Sammy took her tests and did well, I got frustrated with her but I apologized and she and I have hugged and moved on. So often I forget that she is only 6 and I expect too much from her.

Matt and I struggled even breathing in the same room again today. He has so many issues with his parents divorce, too much freedom, growing up too quickly and then Step-mom comes along and there is structure and a family....too much was ignored and let go for too long and now we pay the consequences for our actions as his parents. Also as I have stated before public school taught him to be lazy, there too is a huge hurdle we are having to cross. Every little aspect of his schooling is fought and drug out, but he is forced, regardless of how long it takes him, to complete it. I am overwhelmed and exhausted with this one regularly. We have found that his word can not be taken and trusted so everything must be checked daily to extreme extent. His birth mom asked me today, "What is next, what is going to happen if he can not do home school, will you send him to public?" I told her, if this was solely about me, yes, he would be in public because I am exhausted, but this is not about me at all, and our children, all three of them, deserve better than the public system of education. We have talked about a boys camp, there is one local that is Christian based, for troublesome boys, he would live there and do school there and we would visit. I do not want him to think that we are putting him somewhere just to be rid of him. I want him to know that if this is ever our choice, that we had to, to save him from himself. I am afraid for Matt....afraid for who is becoming....afraid of loosing the wonderful little man I fell in love with 6+ years ago when I married his dad. Inside this young man there is a wonderfully spirited, loving boy who is just so scared of coming out and getting hurt.